Say What You Need to Say

What a great quote.

Lately, I've been thinking about the fear of rejection and how it affects us.  It's interesting that no matter how confident we are, the fear of criticism, feeling unloved, or simply to be told "no", is something we all struggle with.

I've been in many situations where I was afraid to speak up.  I don't like confrontation and I try not to stir the pot.  But sometimes my fear of confrontation isn't logical; I've been hesitant to give someone a compliment, because of the fear the person might respond negatively---even if I say something positive-that irrational.

And don't get me started on boys.  I once (okay it was pretty recent) came to the extremely illogical conclusion that a cute boy was already in a relationship, so I wouldn't have to embarrass myself trying to talk to him (because hellooooo, I didn't want to disrespect what he and his girlfriend had together!)...what?!

The fear of rejection goes beyond a sub-par romantic comedy.  It is real life, and it can hold us back in real situations.  This fear creeps up on us in the smallest situations (like my examples above), and also prevents us from building relationships, expanding professional networks, and taking advantage of major opportunities.  We can become so focused on the negatives, the riskiness of a decision, or the chance of humiliation, that we don't ask for what we want, or say what we feel or know is right.  And what good is that?  I mean, we are so scared of being embarrassed, alone, and failing, but that fear is what ultimately causes us to be alone, embarrassed and, well, fail.

Facing rejection is inevitable, but beating ourselves up over it doesn't have to be.  In most cases, the answer to any question will result in a "yes" or "no".  If the answer is "yes", we get what we want.  If the answer is "no", we either work towards that "yes", or realize that there is something better in store for us anyway.  That rejection tests us, and causes us to prove how much we want something, and how determined we are to get it.

When I talk about not being afraid of rejection and saying what you feel, I'm obviously not talking about being disrespectful or rude to someone just because you dislike them.  I'm talking about us all working towards being unapologetic for expressing ourselves.  I'm talking about telling someone how much you admire them (or think they're a QT), explaining why you deserve a higher grade, internship, job or promotion.  I'm also talking about standing up for your opinions, and not compromising your values and beliefs in order to be well-liked.  Because as scary as it may be, there is a sense of accomplishment that occurs when you lay everything out on the table. 

Another point I'd like to make is that the person who rejected you in whatever way, likely wasn't trying to embarrass you or make you feel unwanted.  We can be thinking about the situation for days, even weeks, and they probably forgot about the whole thing 10 seconds later.  Just think about the last time you had negative feelings about someone you said "no" to...it's probably not that common (unless the person was mean or aggressive or something).  Simply put, we can read more into a situation than necessary. 

This weekend, and for the rest of the summer and beyond, let's all try to [respectfully] say what we need to say in every aspect of our lives (no matter how big or small).  Let's move past the fear of rejection as best we can, and let our words and efforts to express ourselves contribute to our success, and more importantly, our happiness and self-acceptance!

How do you plan on dealing with your fear of rejection?? 

Finding Inspiration

Enjoy this famous poem by Dr. Angelou!

As I'm sure everyone knows, yesterday, beloved activist, writer, poet (she wore so many hats!), Maya Angelou, passed away at the age of 86.  I tweeted that I'm certain everything she's ever said is quotable, and I'm not lying.  She has spoken so many inspirational words that have helped many people in different ways.  She has written memoirs and autobiographies about her life, and trials as a young woman.  And yet she was able to push through those hard times and create an amazing, rewarding life for herself.  She's truly someone to admire.  One of her many quotes that spoke to me today is:

"You can only become truly accomplished at something you love.  Don't make money your goal. Instead pursue the things you love doing and then do them so well that people can't take their eyes off of you."

What do I love to do?  What is my passion?  I think those are questions that everyone has or will ask themselves at one point or another.  But seriously, how do any of us figure that out????  My advice is to think about what your most perfect day would look like after you've left your house.  Where would you go?  Who would you see or talk to?  What would you do?  What would you surround yourself with?  What would you eat?  If money or distance wasn't an issue (while still being realistic...), how would you spend that day?  Now ask yourself why you chose that.  Is it because it's something you've never done before, or is it because it's something you do all the time, and gives you the most peace and happiness?

If you chose more than one "perfect day" that's cool too.  I know I can see myself doing multiple things and still being happy with my life.  The problem is, I've never tried any of them.  I mean, we can visualize our perfect situation all we want, but if we don't try it out and see if it's truly what we want to do, what good is that?  So the next step would be to put things into action.  If you see yourself helping children with poverty in third world countries, plan a missions trip or contact a relief organization and see how you can get involved.  If you imagine your perfect day in a designer gown receiving an Oscar, take acting classes or enroll in theatre school, and try joining an agency.  If you plan on being an entrepreneur, create a business plan.  And if you want to travel, book a ticket (I totally understand that a lot of the cool destinations are reeeaal pricey, so maybe save up for that one).  Many of us look at the people who take action and think "wow I wish I could do that", but in reality, why can't we?  There are so many practical ways to take that first step towards living fulfilling lives, so why don't we take it?

Of course there's a lot of fear that comes with following your dreams...fear of failure, of going against the norm, or even the fear that you won't be satisfied once you get to where you envisioned yourself.  First of all, failure is necessary and makes success all the more rewarding.  Secondly, doing what everyone does will never make you stand out for being great.  And thirdly, who said you had to do one thing for 50 years?  No one.  As Dr. Angelou said, you can't be truly accomplished unless you love what you're doing, so if you're unhappy, it's okay to change your mind about the direction you're going in!  Once we get over our fears, whatever they may be, we'll have a clearer vision of what we need to do to accomplish our goals.

Seek inspiration.  Don't wait for it to come to you.  Go out there, make your own experiences, and challenge yourself.  I have yet to hear an inspiring story that begins with "I was laying in bed one night..." (although being in bed is important too).  You don't always have to go far to be inspired, either.  It can start in your community, with your friends, with strangers, with anything and anyone!  Try not to limit yourself by only paying attention to the big things, because you may miss out on the little things that actually turn out to be the big things (pretty sure a quote like this already exists).  And if you're religious like me, pray about it!  Be still, and listen to what you're being told about your calling toward a particular profession or way of life.  I discovered this song called "Am I wrong", that just happened to fit the message of striving for your goals no matter what other people are doing or saying.  As long as we have integrity, follow our hearts, and stand up for what we believe in, we should always be proud of what we've done and where life has taken us!  Be your own person and you can't go wrong!  Click here to listen.

xx

As I said in another post, I'm not a psychologist and I'm not trying to be.  I consider this blog as a way to communicate with you all as friends, so I'm giving advice and sharing my thoughts as a friend.  I don't expect everyone to agree because we all have our own opinions, but if this helps you or you know someone who has been in a rut lately, why not pass it along?  I know I'm not this famous blogger or anything, but it really means a lot to me when people message me and let me know that my blog helps or entertains them in some way.  So thank you!!!

Don't forget to follow me on Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest.  Have an inspiring week!  

I Wish there was Another Word for "Beautiful"

Source

Earlier this week, I did something I never thought I'd be able to do (at least not yet): I went out in public with no makeup on.  Some people may think that's stupid, or that people who can't be fresh faced are conceited or whatever.  But I, like many people, have acne scars, and they can be embarrassing. They made me feel uncomfortable showing my face for almost six years.  However, a couple weeks ago, I did a chemical peel, which causes your old skin to peel off, and reveal clearer, new skin.  And let me tell you, that was the most torturous week ever (It didn't hurt or anything, but I had to stay home for a week straight...talk about stir crazy!).  Even though I did the peel, the scars were not completely faded, and my skin was nowhere close to being flawless (Beyoncé voice).  Nevertheless, I applied my sunscreen, put on a baseball cap and sunglasses, mustered up courage, and headed out the door.  

I had to wait 10 minutes before the bus came.  This meant I had to stand there, outside, where someone I knew could see me and be alarmed at the sight of my face (everyone has only seen me with makeup on).  But no one I knew showed up, and no one took particular interest in me or what I looked like.  This went on for the rest of the journey.  In fact, when I realized that people didn't really care about my appearance, I started gaining a little bit of confidence.  I spoke to sales associates, stopped tugging so much on my cap...I even took my sunglasses off!  After a while, I looked at this as an accomplishment.  I had built up the courage to go out in public showing the real me!

This got me thinking about the people who have insecurities they can't hide, no matter how hard they try: a birth mark, an undesirable facial feature, or even their weight.  I have a greater respect for these people.  Everyday, they have to get out of bed and step into the public eye, being, or at least acting like they are comfortable in their own skin.  Some people may decide to ignore them, or make fun of them because something they can't change.  But they still have to live their lives and choose to be happy.

Sometimes it feels impossible to embrace our flaws, but even the most gorgeous person alive has his/her insecurities.  Everyone has something they scrutinize in the bathroom mirror.  And despite society's idea that we all have to look and have the same idea of "pretty" in order to be accepted, for the most part, people will accept you regardless of what you think is "ugly" or "unattractive" about yourself.  There's no point stressing ourselves out, trying to look a certain way for people who will criticize or put us down anyway.  I mean, we all want to look nice, be complimented, and receive "likes" on our photos, but getting "likes" on Instagram of Facebook isn't everything.  What's most important is how we feel and who we are on the inside.  That way, our internal confidence and positivity can radiate outward, impacting people's lives, rather than attempting to satisfy judgemental eyes.

I truly admire people who accept their imperfections.  There is just something about someone who knows they are beautiful from the inside out, and that the people who know it too are the only ones worth their time.  I guess the point of this long ramble is that although we are ALL beautiful, we ALL have something more to offer the world than physical beauty (and if you don't believe me, just listen to my bby J. Cole's song Crooked Smile).

I've never written a "personal" blog post, but I wanted to post something different this week.  This is really long, probably reeeaally poorly written, and not everyone will agree or enjoy it, but there's no point in gaining a new perspective first-hand, if you can't share it with people who might be interested or impacted (also, the title has nothing to do with the actual blog post but wutevs).

Source

Be nice and inspire the people you meet, and remember, "calling other people ugly doesn't make you any prettier"!

Don't forget to check me out and follow me on Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest.  Have the best weekend ever!

Ever Dream?

Ever dream about getting away?  Going on an adventure?  A place where you can say whatever you want, wear whatever you want, do whatever you want?  Ever wish to be completely carefree?  To be able to jump into a cab or on a train or a plane, and just go?  Having no one to answer to?

What about meeting people who only know what you want them to know?  Recreating yourself; getting a fresh start.  Dressing up for a night out...or for no reason at all.  Reading a book on a bench in the park, any park.  Feeling warm sunbeams dance on your skin, or a cold breeze whisper against your cheeks.  Eating meals you can't pronounce.  Learning a language you never understood.  Sleeping till noon.  Shopping till sunset.  Walking till dawn.  

Do you desire an intimate relationship with life?  This wild and daring and exciting and sad and beautiful life? Letting loose.  Dancing.  Being a free spirit, an inspiration to others.  Choosing to be anonymous, or having the whole world know your name.  All while never being afraid to express your opinion, to show emotion.  Talking and listening.  Being still.  Never worrying.  Falling in love, observing love, appreciating love.  Growing in God, or growing in yourself.  Growing in both.  Taking chances.  Learning from mistakes.  Never looking back.  Becoming alive again.

Ever dream?

Why Aren't More of us Happy? Tips on How to Fill Your Year with a Little More Happiness

Recently, I've been seeing more and more posts on social media about happiness, and people's desire to be happy, so I've decided to write a post to address this.  And although I am by no means a psychologist, I would like to think that I have some insight into happiness and joy, simply because I experienced moving from feeling sad, fatigued and unconfident almost three years ago, to how I feel now: positive, cheerful, and truly happy with my life.  This is not because something happened to change my life, but because I changed how I saw it.  I realized that happiness is a state of mind.

For this reason, I am going to provide some tips (based solely on my experience) on how to help you end this year much happier and full of of joy than you started.  

This line from the song Pretty Hurts really stood out to me.  In addition to a career, family and money, being happy is what many people aspire to be in the future.  

1. Choose to be happy.

Happiness is a continual choice...keep choosing it!

I think one of the misconceptions people may have is that they need something or someone to make them happy, but in reality, it is 100% a choice.  And it's a continual choice that doesn't necessarily take action over night.  You may have to remind yourself of that choice every single morning before getting out of bed, and even throughout the day, but when negative thoughts enter your mind, it is important to stay strong and honour your decision.  This is where some may have a hard time, because there are so many reasons to fall back into a sad, unhappy, or even depressed state.  However, if you make the decision over and over again, eventually you won't have to think about it; it will just be your natural state of mind.  Also realize that without this crucial choice, none of the other tips will be as effective in bringing long-term contentment to your life.

2. Tell the people that are closest to you.

These words are all positive things that may result from telling your loved ones. (This photo was taken from here)

A drastic change in your thoughts, mood, and attitude toward things you used to enjoy may cause family and friends to think you're overreacting or being dramatic--especially if they weren't aware or experienced what you went through.  But everyone is different.  Try to explain to your close friends and family what happened and how you feel about it in the best way you can.  That way, they will understand why you may be acting differently, and try to help you get through this time.

3. Go on a vacation or trip.

Whether it is to a beach in another country, or a local park or café, getting away from your situation can give you time to think more clearly, put things into perspective, and face your situation when you return. 

(Both of these photos were taken by my friend Warren.  To see more, follow him here!)

In the midst of my severe unhappiness, my mom and I went on vacation to see our family.  I knew I'd enjoy my time away from home, but I was in for a lot more than that.  I learned that there is so much more to life than the circumstance I was going through.  There was so much more to see, so much more to do, and so much to be happy and thankful for.  Getting away from the person, place, or thing that is making you sad, and having a good time with people who do make you happy may give you the strength to handle your situation head-on and with better insight when you return.  It may also cause you to realize that you should leave certain issues in the past, and that they don't deserve your time or effort.  If you can't afford an extravagant vacation, try going on a road trip, a weekend getaway, or even to your favourite place in order to get away.

4. Write in a journal or start a blog.

Find time to write things down, so you are able to see how far you've come in the future! 

(This photo is from here, and is a part of an interesting article about journaling.)

Writing down your feelings, emotions and experiences on paper or a blog can act as an effective outlet.  Document your highs as well as your lows.  If you can't sleep, write down your thoughts, dreams, and aspirations.  Allow yourself to get deep...and dark.  Don't be ashamed of what you have to say.  You don't even have to read over any of your entries.  However, when you do decide to read your journal or blog, hopefully you'll be able to see the improvements you made, and be proud of how far you've come since your first entry.  Don't limit yourself to a journal: create art, write music, listen to music, start a video diary, cook, bake, exercise, or take classes that interest you.  Do anything that allows you to express yourself, release any animosity, and get you back to enjoying fun activities...and life.

5. Figure out what's best for you.

Do you feel better when you are going out with friends....

(Find this photo here.)

....or staying home and relaxing with a good book?

(Find this photo here.)

During this time, some may feel overwhelmed being around a lot of people and choose to be alone, while others may want to surround themselves with friends and loved ones to help them forget about what they are going through.  My advice is to see how you feel in both situations. Do you like having time alone to figure out your next step in this journey toward happiness, or do you find yourself thinking about how sad you are when you are by youself?  Do your friends help you get your mind off of your situation and genuinely make you feel good, or do you feel lonelier than ever when you are in a crowd?  Really consider this, and figure out what you like better, and then do this as much as you can.  Don't get carried away.  Remember that you shouldn't isolate yourself from others, but also shouldn't spend every moment with someone else; you still need some time alone to reflect.

6. Seek help!

Stay strong, keep calm, and seek help! (This photo is from here.)

As I said earlier, these tips are not medical--I don't have a university degree, never mind a PhD.  If you truly do not feel like yourself, and have felt this way off and on or for a prolonged amount of time, see a doctor.  If loved ones are concerned, you may owe it to them and yourself to look deeper, and see what is going on from a clinical perspective.  Your situation may have triggered something more serious and long-term (such as depression, mood disorders, anxiety, and even medical illness), and you should seek help.  Remember that getting help is not a sign of weakness; it shows that you value yourself enough to be your best self.  Try to be strong and courageous, as opposed to afraid or embarrassed.  You can do it!

This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to tips for leading a happier life, but I hope you try some of them!  However, if you feel like you or someone close to you may be struggling with depression or any other mental illness, visit the Canadian Mental Health Association or Mental Health America website, or contact your local associations for further information and assistance.  

Make sure to check me out on Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.  Have a wonderful week!

~